I'm stuck now.

Atlanta ho

Well, Eric and I were supposed to go up to Ann Arbor this weekend to celebrate 7 years of knowing each other and 14 months of dating. Instead, we're driving down to Atlanta to visit a suddenly sick relative of Eric's. I did say I wanted to get out of town. Twelve hours each way was a little more than I bargained for, but I shouldn't complain--after all, I'm not the one who's sick. And we've never been on a road trip together. It'll be a test of togetherness, and of how many CDs we both like.

Or

Come to think of it, it could be the pills. Or not enough sunlight. Or not enough iron. I have a blood donation appointment scheduled for 3:45 March 1 that I desperately hope I won't be able to make.

And

I need to pull out my Korean textbook. We're going to Korea in the end of April and Mom and Dad have said we're not going to Seoul, because everyone but me has been there we want to spend our limited time with family in the countryside, but my brother called yesterday (when did he start calling me?) to say that Dad had told him a lot of people there spoke a little English and he was going to try to learn a little Korean so that we (when did he start liking me?) could maybe go out by ourselves an afternoon or two.

And I really need a job. Eric said yesterday that I was spending too much time playing computer games. Eric, who is signed up for a five-hour computer game raid on Saturday. Also I don't cook anymore and I have not vacuumed for a month.

And there is a dpn (double-pointed needle) lying to the left of my keyboard because I was knitting the heel of a sock (which only requires 2 of the 5 dpns) last night while Eric tried to figure out what's wrong with my computer. It's still shutting down, not so randomly as it was. We've ordered a new motherboard and a new CPU fan (because I need one anyway) to see if that will fix the problem. If it doesn't, I will be getting a library card. We went to the library the other day. It was lovely. We wanted to see if it would be possible to hold a wedding there, and we concluded it might but they probably wouldn't let us have food in there for the reception, so it wouldn't be worth it.

Barnes & Noble is the only bookstore chain around here that uses real paper applications instead of online personality tests. Maybe I have a chance. I'll run the application out today if I have the energy or tomorrow while I return the case fan we bought from Best Buy to see if that was the problem (I don't know; we never tried it).

And my cable connection is extremely flaky, which is why I'm saving this post and posting it later. Then I'll call the cable company, today if I have the energy, or tomorrow if I don't because Eric can't tolerate being over at my apartment if there isn't a working Internet connection. He doesn't have to be using it; it just has to be available.

I'm sick of this apartment and tired of being unemployed and worried that not having a job will ruin some of our plans. And still waiting to see why Toledo is supposed to be a nice place to live. I gave up a nice house and income for the chance to be happy here. I still can be, but I don't have enough reason yet. I don't know if I would feel like this if I weren't still relying on my own self to support me, but I'm feeling blah and discouraged and listless. It's a pain in the ass. I decided to focus on one thing a day to do. Today's is job applications. Tomorrow's is vacuuming. We'll see how it goes. Dad said yesterday that at least I made the choice to be where I am, which was supposed to be a comfort. I guess it is, a little. I still don't regret giving up my nice house and income; I just want something to replace them and I don't yet. So yuck. If someone--anyone--calls up and offers me a job, even as a typist or an Eddie Bauer salesperson (they have paper applications too), I'll feel better, I know. So I'm doing my one thing today and maybe it'll happen.

Iris

I bought an iris this morning. Kroger had a little stand: "Spring Blooms--5 for $10." I don't understand the "X for Y" pricing system. Doesn't "$2" look more enticing than "5 for $10" or "10 for $20"? Anyway, I looked, pleased that spring was showing up one way or another, and a slender little iris caught my eye. I'm not much of a flower person, but I've always liked irises, for some reason. So for $10/5*1 I bought it. Even if it starts to die immediately I'll get several days' pleasure out of it.

Yesterday the binding for Marie's quilt kicked my butt. It's the very last thing I have to do, and theoretically what you do is sew one side of the binding to the top-batting-bottom quilt sandwich, then fold it over and attach it on the other side. But when I sewed the binding, by the end of the seam the sandwich was askew, with the bottom fabric an inch shorter than the top. I tried it again, pulling the bottom taut. I tried flipping it over. I tried using my walking foot. No matter what I did, the two sides wouldn't stay even. I brought it over last night for Edith's advice and her advice was adhesive glue, or desperate measures such as completely hand-stitching it. Hand-stitching the back half is bad enough, so I was going to try the glue, but then I thought perhaps pinning it to within an inch of its life might work as well. I've tried it on half a side and it seems to be okay--a little slippage, but not enough that I can't deal with it. So we'll see if that continues on the next side. If it doesn't, it's time for desperate measures such as folding the binding differently and sewing both sides at once.

Still no job, but I'm applying for several low-level things this week from the classifieds--the ones where you call rather than send in a resume--and we'll see what happens. I wish I could have used this time off more productively, but I don't think I did too badly, really; and I'll be more motivated to do more once I have more to do. Until then, job applying and binding applying and watering an iris.

In the style of Bridget Jones after 4 alcoholic units.

Down. No job, no house, no inspiration, no one to call. Whiny and annoying and annoyed at self. Read 'Scheduled outage' as 'scheduled outrage.' Bought ice cream and Hint of Lime chips. Will try not to consume them all. Depending on how the evening goes.

Motivation

We found a house. This is a bad thing--but purely because I don't yet have a job and therefore we can't possibly qualify for a mortgage. Thus, I am sitting here applying to what I suspect is a telemarketing-esque job in order to get something, anything, that will bring in a regular paycheck.

We went to the U of M Life Sciences Orchestra concert tonight, which was very nice--I'm not excited about classical music taped but live it's a very different thing. Afterwards we went to the after-party, where all of Eric's friends insisted he come back and play next semester and I ate sesame seed-covered pizza and pondered why I don't like crowds. I also applied for a bookstore job and a Best Buy job, and both used the exact same electronic questionnaire, one of the questions on which was, "Going somewhere with a big crowd is fun. Strongly Agree/Agree/Disagree/Strongly Disagree." Blechh. Stupid questionnaires. Interviews are much better. You have a much better idea of what they're looking for. How do I know what whatever consulting company came up with the survey told them to look for in the personality profiles they receive? I'll figure it out, though. I have a house to get.

My mountain.

This is Mt. Rainier as we saw it December 27, 2005, on a gray day in a gray truck. It was so very still up at Paradise, with the snow muffling everything--except when we went inside and heard on the radio that some lady was pulling her kids on a sled behind her car.

I'm applying to bookstores. And real jobs too, of course. Eric and I are holding a weekly writing session on Saturdays, which should help both of us. I call Asia today and work on my sock made from the yarn Edith gave me. I should be finishing other things--Eric's DNA scarf and the Jayne hat and Mariah and Marie's quilt--but I love these socks.

I don't seem to have much to say lately, only that I'm trying to do things. Which is enough, I suppose, at least for me. And for you, there's my mountain.

In with the new.

Seattle was wet and warm and wonderful. Eric and my parents have met, and Eric didn't run screaming for the nearest airport and my parents didn't take me aside and whisper, "Are you sure you love this guy?" so all is well on that front. Christmas Eve was the family get-together, full of cookies and ribs (my step-uncle had three helpings, one at dinner, one at dessert, and one at game time) and talking and games and watching Gabe's antics. Andy got me a sudoku book. Eric and I had formerly scorned the sudoku craze, but then I opened the book and we worked on progressively harder puzzles the entire rest of the trip. Christmas day I got a red cashmere sweater from Mom, identical except in color to the two cashmere sweaters she's gotten me the previous two Christmases, and a movie and some books and an art print from my brother, which surprised me, and World of Warcraft from Eric. We'll see how that goes. Mom and Dad and James got Eric presents from the list I had sent, which I appreciated and which I think he did too.

The next day we drove to Portland, to watch Gabe some more, and the next day went to Mt. Rainier. Eric felt at home once we got up to the snow line. And we went to Jamba Juice twice over the trip--we were tabulating points for living in Toledo versus the Pacific Northwest over the entire visit, and Jamba Juice was a point for the Pacific Northwest. Possibly two. I was a little homesick the last couple of days, but I'm over it now. I still want to go back, but it's nice here, too. We had another Christmas last night, with Eric's family. They handle present opening differently from my family, but it worked out and I got nice stuff (notably knitting gadgets and Tupperware). Eric's sister got a new wool coat I coveted, but I had also gotten a new wool coat from Mom which I knew I was getting since she had been telling me for years that my old wool coat needed replacing and this year she had stopped trying to persuade me and said, "What color do you want?" I left the old coat at her house. I hope she at least donates it to Goodwill, as it's a perfectly good coat--though my new one is admittedly much better.

So I'm warm and current on family hugs and laden with material things, and now I'm helping with a New Year's party. In the new year I will be: getting an interim job, getting a real job, getting a house or at least a permanent living space, working on writing and knitting and quilting (oh, hey, I have to write a new Annual Report, don't I? Geez, already?) and generally getting my life in order. Business as usual. Happy New Year!

It's beginning to look at lot like Christmas.

So I originally intended to make a pair of mittens for Pat. However, this was merely silliness, plus I'm running out of time here, so I decided to make a mini-mitten ornament instead. I used this pattern, with minor modifications, and my own handspun yarn. I liked it enough that I decided to make two more, one for me and one for Mom. Observe these mittens:

Same pattern, same needles, same knitter, same yarn, wildly different sizes. Clearly I need to work on the evenness of my spinning. Still, I'm entirely proud of these things.

Also, I have finally finished Cozy.



Seven balls of Knitpicks Elegance made it about my height (66 inches) when I finished knitting and about a foot longer once I got it wet and stretched it. You wouldn't think something this lacy would take so darned long, but it's finished and I'm pleased--I'm just waiting for it to dry completely so I can wrap it and put it under the tree, assuming Brenda ever puts it up. It turns out that the bare frame of a Papasan chair is great for drying such things.

So, with these things complete, I am now completely done with Christmas crafting except for (a) Marie's quilt, which I gave up on until after I get back, and (b) Gabe's second pair of mittens, which I will make on the plane. Now, to copy down cookie recipes (since Mom's expected several batches of cookies out of me on the 23rd) and finish packing and print out the flight itinerary. We leave in one day!

On being gone.

It's strange to come home to this apartment after having been gone two or three days. Wednesday I went to Toledo Jen's, for a craft night--she worked on her hand quilting, I knit--and it snowed, wet thick snow that piled up quickly. I decided to stay the night rather than brave the roads to get to Eric's as originally planned. In the morning I woke up to the kids moving upstairs, rejoicing that they had no school, and in the afternoon Jen and I went to the Sonflower Quilt Shop and a fine-art store and Kroger. Then I went to Eric's, a day late, and finished a sock for Gabe (from this pattern, only with a few changes to make it look better and fit better considering I don't have Gabe's foot to look at) and ate not-bad Chinese food and did some talking about a house and a future and things of that sort. Today I'm here, and tonight we're going back to Jen's for a dinner-and-games night (I have to make dessert...I think I want to make apple pie) and tomorrow we're doing my laundry and the last of Christmas shopping and Sunday is our one-year anniversary and we're going to lounge around and do more talking about a house and a future.

And in less than a week I go back to Washington! We go, I mean. I'm glad Eric's coming and I do want him to meet my family, but I'm afraid that mostly I'm thinking about being back in the Pacific Northwest, back in the land of topography (or anyway a land of topography) and the Cascades and coffeeshops and Mom and Dad and James and Bev. And Ben Franklin Crafts. And the neighborhood up on the Plateau where they have the huge nutcrackers and the carousel. I played "Just Another Wet Seattle Christmas" for Eric the other day. I really love this song. "Christmas is here, spread happy cheer/No sunny sky 'til next July/When will it clear, can't see Rainier/Nothing but rain, drives me insane." And the end: "All I want for Christmas is another double latte." All I want for Christmas is to feel okay doing what I'm doing. And to do better things, I guess. But going home is a great second choice.

Topsy-style.

I woke up at 8:29, a minute before the alarm would go off for me to turn the furnace off at 68 degrees. (The connection from the furnace to the thermostat is broken here. So we have to manually cycle it between 60 and 68. I keep telling Eric, at my apartment I have heat. Then he points out that World of Warcraft inexplicably will not work on my computer, even though everything else does, and as this is his main extracurricular activity--other than me--it's enough reason not to be at my apartment all the time.) I turned off the alarm, prodded the lump of beagle on the bed, and went back to sleep.

I dreamed I was back at EEP, sort of, talking to a young EEPer I was familiar with (in the dream) about the EEP Drama Society. They were having difficulty deciding whether to do a play this year, and if so what to do that wouldn't deplete the money they had. "If Mike and I want to make an investment with this money all we have to do is talk to Dr. Frost," this EEPer told me. "But to do a play we've got to talk to everyone and they have to discuss everything, and I made a list, here, of the plays we could do and estimated revenue, and..." All a mess. I wanted to offer to help, but then I remembered I was an alumnus and not eligible, plus I lived in Toledo now and probably wouldn't even come to the play. So I went to the back rooms and started taking down my things. I had a rapier on a wall from two quarters ago, and a big camera that seemed to work with a box of sand and water in place of the lens, and Mom's yobo bed from Korea, and a decorated ironing board, and a half-finished quilt on the wall. When I was finished the rooms and halls were blank and I thought bleakly of having to trek fifteen minutes across campus twice to get everything into my car.

Then I woke up, twenty minutes later, and the thermostat fortunately only showed 70 degrees so I turned off the furnace and got dressed before it got too cold. This weekend we went Christmas shopping and I got everything I need--now I just need to finish projects. That and pursue some sort of worthwhile occupation while I wait for an employer to say, "Come work for us." Or for after the holidays when I'll apply at either Borders or Books-A-Million and get this life on the road, ready or not. Also, apparently, I need to find a local community theater to volunteer at.

Look what I made!

First, this is what happens when you read Doomsday Book and buy a spinning kit:

My very own yarn. Spinning is fun. Oddly soothing. I've bought a bag of white wool roving (what yarn is before it's yarn) from a farm online and I'm going to try dyeing it with Easter egg dye--also practicing spinning lots more to try to get an even yarn. And then the next step in learning to spin: plying.

And then there's this:

TST (Trees, Santa, Trees). It's finally finished, after a year and a half and a recipient switch, just in time for Christmas. It's meant to be a lap quilt, not a bed quilt (I'm putting this picture up because the full-front one turned out blurry). The binding was torture, though I learned that you can't make a binding bigger than the seam allowance, at least not the way everyone says to do it (folding to mitre the corners). But it's finished and I'm happy.

The Christmas spirit.

It's snowing and I am once again gloating about being home. Later I'm making banana gingerbread (as I have three overripe bananas that need doing something with) and practicing Christmas songs on my guitar. And gloating. I'm getting coal in my stocking for sure.

Three weeks until we go back for Christmas! I just finished sending out the Christmas gift exchange names. We started this last year, to ease up everyone's burden of buying everyone a gift, especially as the family was getting bigger, and this year Dad had me arrange it because I wanted to get my cousin Cody on purpose because I already bought him a gift. Next year somebody else will work the system. I hope. Because sending haranguing e-mails to my relatives ("You never sent any suggestions for presents; do it now or I'll put you down for coal, Vaseline, and #2 pencils") is not a good way to remain loved.

I've actually got a decent amount of Christmas shopping/making done. I've also got leaves strewn across my floor--fabric leaves--because I wanted to test the colors of Marie's quilt, which I'm thinking of as "The Sacrifice," which is probably a silly name. It needs fabric and I should go out and et some, but it's snowy and I won't be able to use fabric until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest anyway because it needs washing and I left my detergent at Brenda's and we're staying here tonight, so I'm going to be lazy and make my gingerbread instead. And work on Cozy and finishing TST and maybe starting Pat's mittens. And, as I said, gloat.

Wrong turns.

I've been thinking lately that the nice thing about being someplace new, especially if you've got plenty of time, is that you never take a wrong turn. Either you're getting where you're trying to go or you're learning more about your new city.

That was not the case this afternoon. I was definitely taking wrong turns. It took me two hours to get to the bank. It was supposed to be about forty-five minutes, which is what it took to get back. It took so long primarily because 53 is a screwed-up road and I didn't read all the signs carefully enough the first time. I had to get directions from the bank and then from Mapquest to get there. Once I did everything was straightforward, though.

When I got back I called Asia and she suggested starting to look for houses just after the holidays. I need to apply for a job today. There was nothing in Sunday's classifieds. I'm feeling a little guilty for not getting a holiday job, but I really don't want to and I can afford it and I wouldn't be able to work on the busiest days of the season anyhow. I was thinking last night, while Eric's sister talked about how much money she was making in her new job and what she was spending it on besides her student loans, I used to make that much money, and I've been financially responsible my entire life, why am I having to be so careful with it? and then I realized that it's because I've been financially responsibly my entire life--which admittedly has not been that long, but still--that I can afford to be unemployed for the next several months if it becomes necessary. I really am doing okay. And I still don't regret quitting my job and don't expect to.

Turnaround

The computer is fixed--it was the RAM; I'm borrowing a stick of Eric's for now and will be getting the replacement sticks in about a week--and it's sixty degrees out. I have to drive out to Oak Harbor still, but it's sunny and warm and I think I know where my missing Billy Joel CD went. Change is good.

I love technology.

My new computer will not work. First, it was shutting down randomly; that turned out to be because the fan wasn't mounted properly and it kept overheating. Now, it's randomly having fatal errors. It doesn't seem to be the hard drive. It doesn't seem to be the CD drive unless it's both. It could be the motherboard or the processor chip or the RAM. I'm learning all sorts of things about how computers work that I didn't know when my computer was working fine. We can't take it back easily because we ordered it online and it's a Frankenputer. I am not pleased. Eric is beyond displeased, probably mostly because this was supposed to be something fairly straightforward in his area of expertise that he was going to do for me and it's turned into this pain.

Otherwise, things are going well. Except for the snow and the ice and the cold, but that's going away now and it's not so bad when I don't have anywhere I'm required to drive except four miles to where I can get food and company and a bed whenever I'm tired of being alone.

The new start

It's a gray, cold, rainy sort of day. It's exactly the sort of day for staying at home with cocoa and a book and enjoying the fact that I don't have to go to work, and that's exactly what I've been doing. This is the first day that everything's been put away (except for one half-full box of office supplies and one half-full box of...stuff...that I think I'm just going to put away as is) and my cable's been installed and I've been at home to relax and start to do the things I said I would do once I got settled. I guess that means I'm settled. I have files and final bills to send out and a new computer to anticipate and the quilt to make for Marie.

At my going-away party everyone talked and laughed and I felt a little left out, which is only right I suppose, but not much; and the pizza was excellent and I got a gift certificate to Hobby Lobby, which will be nice for quilt backing and batting, and Margaret Atwood's Negotiating With the Dead from Jeri (whose book I helped with). And I saw Kathleen and KB. Kathleen had agreed to help me move. Ivy asked me if I had enough help and when I said no, volunteered herself and Ron. But the only one who showed up was Marie.

She gave me a scarf she had crocheted herself. It's blue and wonderfully soft and I was touched. Apparently I wasn't so bad an officemate after all--either that or she was just so glad to be rid of me. It was a long day--why do I have so much stuff?--but we got everything packed, including my car on the trailer, by dark. Then we went to J. R. Scotese's for dinner and then Marie went home and Eric and I went to start for Toledo and the U-Haul truck dashboard lights didn't work. We hadn't noticed--or rather, Eric hadn't noticed, because I had been chicken and asked him to drive the truck from the rental place, which was a convenience store, by the by; we only knew to stop there because we saw the trucks--in the daytime, but now it was dark and driving with no idea of how fast he was going or how much gas he had left sounded neither appealing nor safe.

So we called the U-Haul emergency number, and also Eric's mom Brenda. U-Haul kept us on hold and then asked the problem and then said they'd call back with an ETA on a technician to help us and didn't. Brenda asked Eric to find the fuse box and switch out the bad fuse with a nonessential one to get us going. But the batteries in my flashlight were dead--I've replaced them--and when he finally did it with my tiny red pocketknife light and the light from my cell phone it didn't help. We called U-Haul back and I talked to a nice young lady who said that it was now so late no vendors were open to help us. I said, You'll reimburse us for our hotel costs tonight, yes? and she said yes. So we went to the Hampton on Colonel Glenn, which I believe was the hotel I stayed in my first night in Dayton when I interviewed, and in the morning the dashboard was of course visible so we just drove.

We unpacked everything very quickly and then went off for dinner. The apartment isn't bad. I'm really glad I have brand-new carpet, though, because it isn't very good either and the new carpet makes it feel much nicer. Still, it's cheap, and it's only six months. Over the next few days--last week--I got things organized and cleaned the kitchen floor twice, once because it was visibly filthy and once because my socks kept sticking to it even afterward. I've spent some time getting lost while driving. I've responded to a few job ads and ordered a couple of Christmas presents (Christmas in six weeks! Isn't that wild?) and gone apple-picking and endured a minor cold. Toledo's not bad so far.

This week I start up my usual employments--sewing and knitting and, once again, writing--and try not to worry about my jobless state. I'm actually not worried about it, but that worries me itself because I know I'm lazy and would be happy doing nothing as long as possible, and technically speaking if I'm frugal it will be possible for quite a while. Having no income isn't the same as having no money, but I'm trying to treat it that way so that it doesn't become the same. Fortunately my pursuits are pretty cheap (and I have my Hobby Lobby gift certificate to help out) and so are my living expenses for the moment. I'd forgotten how carefree apartment living is. Maybe this is just what I need.

Limbo

Hi. I live in Toledo now. It's weird--that thought, not the city. The move went reasonably well except for a lack of dashboard light that ended up with Eric and me staying in a hotel Saturday night instead of driving up 75. I'm making Marie a quilt because she was the only one who showed up to help and we would still be moving if not for her. Most of my furniture is in place now and the boxes are being unpacked. I'm over at Eric's now, waiting for people to get home for dinner, and this is all the Internet I get because I didn't call the cable company. Or rather, I didn't get through. I need to hunt up a phone book. Because I really want an Internet connection. Then I can write about my apartment and how it feels to be out of work and how very filthy my kitchen floor was and how I was too chicken to drive a U-Haul with a car trailer. But it all depends on the cable company.

19 change-of-addresses down, 2 to go.

Tip: whenever you know you'll be planning to cancel a dial-up service, always, without fail, call two months early and use the two free months they offer you. I daresay you could call three or four months early and negotiate.

Just insurance and cable left.